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Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
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Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I\'ve never tried before.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
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The right to swing my fist ends where the other man\'s nose begins.
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A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
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Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
I\'ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
I have an existential map; it has \'you are here\' written all over it.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
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The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
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A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, \'Where have I gone wrong?\' Then a voice says to me, \'This is going to take more than one night.\'
I\'m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can\'t understand is, if they don\'t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
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I don\'t pray because I don\'t want to bore God.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Always go to other people\'s funerals, otherwise they won\'t come to yours.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
I\'m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can\'t understand is, if they don\'t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
The truth is more important than the facts.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
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The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.
If it wasn\'t for C, we\'d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
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The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it\'s because they\'re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that\'s how dogs spend their lives.
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
A man can\'t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
One doesn\'t have a sense of humor. It has you.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
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The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I hope life isn\'t a big joke ... because I don\'t get it.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it\'s fantastic.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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We\'ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
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Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
In this war ? as in others ? I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
We\'ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Either he\'s dead or my watch has stopped.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
I\'m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
If you haven\'t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don\'t have it.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
I\'d stop eating chocolate, but I\'m no quitter.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
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Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
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Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn\'t go away.
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Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
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As the post said, \'Only God can make a tree,\' probably because it\'s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
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A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
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No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it\'s good it\'s wonderful, and when it\'s bad it\'s still pretty good.
In America, anybody can be president. That\'s one of the risks you take.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
I\'ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn\'t it.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
Don\'t knock masturbation, it\'s sex with someone I love .
Am I lightheaded because I\'m not dead or because I\'m still alive?
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
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A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
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When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I\'m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can\'t understand is, if they don\'t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
They laughed when I said I\'d be a comedian. They aren\'t laughing now.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law\'s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don\'t have it.
One doesn\'t have a sense of humor. It has you.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I\'m not sure about the former.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
The trouble with the Internet is that it\'s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Barab?si\'s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it\'s fantastic.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
The trouble with the Internet is that it\'s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Throughout American history, the government has said we\'re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It\'s a hoax.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
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To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT\'S relativity.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It\'s the transition that\'s troublesome.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
I don\'t know why we are here, but I\'m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
I don\'t approve of political jokes... I\'ve seen too many of them get elected.
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Jesus may love you, but I think you\'re garbage wrapped in skin.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Never test for an error condition you don\'t know how to handle.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it\'s because they\'re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
Love is the answer - but while you\'re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn\'t over until everyone gets their cookies.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI?!
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Computer dating is fine, if you\'re a computer.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I have four children which is not bad considering I\'m not a Catholic.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
A man can\'t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Gigerenzer\'s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
After every \'victory\' you have more enemies.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn\'t have an air force.
Yes, I\'m fat, but you\'re ugly and I can go on a diet.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
I hope life isn\'t a big joke ... because I don\'t get it.
Heav\'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn\'d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn\'d.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
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And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I\'ve never tried before.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse\'s family too.
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Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
A good sermon should be like a woman\'s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
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